Sox live-blogs the All-Star Game, hilarity ensues

We here at Sox and Rox strive to bring you the best sports insight and analysis possible. By that, I mean we like to make poop jokes and laugh at the unfortunate things that happen to people.

Along those lines, I (Sox) have decided to document this historic event. The All-Star Game, already a carnival of pomp and circumstance, is taking place in the doomed Yankees Stadium. I'm here to bring you all the action, or at least whatever action I find interesting.

Pregame

-Tuned in at 7:58 so as to avoid the Fox Broadcasting crew as much as possible.

-Bob Sheppard is doing the player introductions over the stadium P.A. Somebody got something right there. Sheppard is one of the all time great characters of the game.

-And I stand corrected, according to Fox announcer Joe Buck, Sheppard isn't feeling well so they're just piping Buck through to the whole stadium. Poor New York fans.

-Alfonso Soriano gets a huge cheer from the New York crowd, whereas David Wright gets booed lustily. I guess Soriano's biggest contribution to the Yankees would have to be getting traded for Alex Rodriguez.

-All of the Red Sox just smile and take the auditory assault from the crowd. Far be it from me to read to much into anything, but from Jason Varitek's smile, it looks like he loved it.

-Even the Rays are getting booed. Scott Kazmir and Evan Longoria recieved a hearty Bronx cheer. I dunno if the New York crowd was worn out, but Rays catcher Dioneer Navarro failed to get the same rise out of the crowd as the Rays ace and star rookie.

-Of course, Marino Rivera's name brings the stadium to it's feet. He doffs his cap to the crowd, and I can only hope the crowd doesn't pull the same shenanigans it does during regular games; chanting the starters names till they acknowledge the "Bleacher Creatures."

-They've dragged a bunch of Hall Of Fame pitchers onto the field to welcome the starting pitchers. Carlton, Eckersley, Feller, Fingers, Gibson, Jenkins, Marichal, Niekro, Palmer, Perry, Roberts, Gossage, and Ford.

-Cepeda, Killebrew, Murray, Perez, and McCovey are out there to welcome Berkman and Youkilis at First.

-Carew, Mazeroski, and Sandberg are out at Second waiting for Chase Utley and Dustin Pedroia.

-Robinson (Brooks), Schmidt, Brett, and Boggs are out there at Third for Chipper Jones and A-Rod. Not surprisingly, Fox flashes a graphic with Boggs' team as the Red Sox, but he wears his Yankees cap. Freaking glory hound.

-Aparicio, Smith, Yount, Banks, and Ripken Jr. await shortstops Hanley Ramirez and Saint Steely-Eyes McFirstPump Derek Jeter, who brings the house down by waving his cap to the crowd.

-What's the deal with DHes, every position gets like 3 or 4 players, and they only get Paul Molitor. Albert Pujols and Milton Bradley totally got short-changed.

-Brock, Williams (Billy), and Kiner are in left for Manny and Ryan Braun.

-We've got three positions left, and this has been going on for 21 minutes.

-Are you kidding me, I know Willy Mayes is great, but are there are NO other centerfields to throw out there too? Josh Hamilton and Kosuke Fukudome must feel slightly cheated that DHes and Centerfields are both in that sad 1-Hall-of-Fame-representative category.

-Gywnn, Kaline, Robinson (Frank), Winfield, Aaron, and Jackson (Reggie). Matt Holliday and Ichiro have probably been pacing in the dougout for a half-hour at this point waiting to take the field. Fox shows what looks like Kevin Garnett in a throwback Braves jersey going nuts for Hank Aaron.

-Earl Weaver, Tommy Lasorda, Lee McPhail and Dick Williams are there at home plate to bring in the managers, Clint Hurdle of the Rockies and Terry Francona, who gets verbally crucified on the way to the plate.

-Why Managers/Execs before Catchers? And why no HoF catchers there to welcome Geovany Soto and Joe Mauer?

-My bad, they named the players before the Hall of Famers, Joe Carter and Yogi Berra, who I believe will be up in the booth at some point during the game. I can't wait.

-Cheryl Crow does the National Anthem. Not great. She doesn't really have the range for it, and she doesn't go bombastic all, just remaining laid back the entire time.

-George Steinbrenner gets carted in on a Bullpen Car to deliver the baseballs to the umpire. I think he's crying, but I can't be sure. For all the hatred towards the guy, all I can say is this: he played the game to the fullest extent of the rules, and always did his best to win games. The same cannot be said of many of the penny-pinching, absentee owners in the game today.

-The Yankees HoFers get the first-pitch privileges: Yogi, Reggie, Whitey, and Goose throw it out to Jeter, Girardi, Rodriguez, and Rivera. I don't care who you root for and how manufactured this moment is, it still gives me shivers

Top of the 1st

-Buck and McCarver are comparing the two squads. I have to say, the NL's offense this year is just ridiculous, but the AL's pitching could be equally so. The AL has 4 bonafide elite closers in Nathan, K-Rod, Papelbon, and Rivera.

-Cliff Lee takes the mound for the AL. Anyone else remember when Steve Philips called him the best pitcher in the game a few years back? Yeah, at that point he wasn't even the best left-hander at that point (Johan Santana as). Now? Well, it's arguable, but Philips may well be vindicated, 3 or 4 years later.

-Lee strikes out Hanley Ramirez on a nice cut fastball, while Chase Utley comes up to bat the the sweet strains of Led Zepplin's "Immigrant Song."

-Buck and McCarver talk about Utleys compact swing. It really does look like he's swinging with his upper arms at his sides. He strikes out looking on what looks like another filthy cutter.

-If Lance Berkman played in New York or Boston, he'd probably be held to Jeterian levels, but alas, he plays in the Media wasteland known as Houston. Lee induces a fly-out to Hamilton in center.

Bottom of the 1st

-That Lou Piniella Vitamin Water ad cracks me up every time. SAY HELLO TO THE MISSUS FOR ME.

-Ichiro flies on out the second pitch, bring the Ice-Water veined, puppy-saving, home-for-ophan-finding Sir Derek hits an sharp grounder to the right of 2nd. It promply bounces off the face of the diving Chase Utley , and he reaches base.

-Josh Hamilton strikes out, bringing Alex Rodriguez to bat with two outs and a fellow Yankee on-base. Somewhere in there, Jeter stole second.

-He pops up into the cavernous Yankee Stadium foul ground. Soto, the NL catcher chases it all the way to the AL on-deck circle, where he catches it, but slips to his knees. Manny Ramirez, the hitter on-deck hitter, skitters out of the way before offering the fallen Cub a helping hand up.

Top of the 2nd

-Fox is letting the commercial breaks run right up to the action; only cutting back the game right as the first pitch of the inning is thrown.

-Buck and McCarver verbally fellate Albert Pujols, calling him the best hitter in the game, which is both highly debate-able and unlikely. I'm actually kind of surprised, normally they reserve that for Jeter. Pujols bounces out to A-Rod at 3rd.

-Looking at some stats, my off-hand remark holds true, but not by much. OPS, OPS+, and Adjusted Batting Runs all have Pujols in 3rd, behind Chipper Jones and Lance Berkman, and he's 5th in Runs Created.

-Chipper Jones singles up the middle on the first pitch, and is moved up to 2nd when Holliday dribbles a ground-out to Youkilis at 1st.

-Cliff Lee stikes Ryan Braun out on high cheese. After seeing his 2 innings of 1-hit ball, color me impressed.

Bottom of the 2nd

-Ben Sheets makes Manny look silly on what looks like a splitter, but Buck fails to identify clearly what it is. He subsequently walks Milton Bradley, who steals second while Youkilis grinds out an at-bat.

-Bradley only has 4 steals on the season so it strikes me as odd that'd he'd be running, but hey, he's crazy, so all power to him.

-Youkilis misses on a high curve, leaving Joe Mauer up with a runner in scoring position.

-Mauer walks, and Sheets has thrown 39 pitches in 1.6 innings, probably more work than he really wanted.

-Dustin Pedroia has been on a tear for the last month or so, but he flies out center, probably 20 feet shy of the warning track. After watching him all last year, I'm convinced he and Kevin Youkilis run on opposite cycles. Youk is always hot early in the season, and ice-cold late, whereas Pedroia has shown us two straight slow starts, followed by incredible summers. Maybe it has something to do with the chillier weather in Boston compared to the weather in Arizona, where he played his college ball at ASU.

-Useful advice: if you ever need to make fun of someone who goes/went to ASU, use this. "I go to A-S-U, but I take it in the A-S-S," or some varient thereof.

-Another funny note, ASU and U of A hate each other. UoA calls ASU, "Gay-S-U," whereas ASU calls U of A, "U of Gay."

-I remain convinced that everyone in Arizona is a flaming douchebag.

Top of the 3rd

-Joe Saunders of the Angels takes over for Lee, and gets Kosuke Fukudome to ground out to Kevin Youkilis.

-I wish I was a Cubs fan, just so I could yell "FU-KU-DO-ME" at full volume.

-Berra is up and the booth, and starts off sounding groggy, but quickly gets up to speed. He still sounds tired, but that could be because Buck and McCarver keep cutting him off with their inane points.

-All the while, Soto flies out to center, Hanley Ramirez singles to right, and Chase Utley ends the inning with yet another dribbler to Youkilis.

-I don't mind the announcers ignoring the game since it's only an exhibition, but for the love of all that is creme-filled and deep-fried, you have Yogi Berra in the booth, stop bombarding him with questions. Just let the guy talk. Whatever he says will be gold, and not just because he gets tongue-twisted sometimes; he's an incredibly intelligent human being, and he's seen a lot of Yankees history.

-To close the inning out, they play the footage of Berra leaping into Don Larsens arms after the last out of Larsens perfect World Series game.

Bottom of the Third

-Carlos Zambrano comes into the game for the NL, and promptly gives up a single to Ichiro.

-Captain Clutch (Jeter) swings at the first pitch and grounds into a double play, followed by another groundout from every media-members favorite feel-good story, Josh Hamilton.

-These innings are going by really quickly. Is it because we have the games best pitchers on the mound, or do the hitters just want to get off the field and into the post-parties? Maybe a little bit of both.

Top of the 4th

-Buck informs the viewers that this is the first time in the steroid era (1995-present) that the All-Star game has been scoreless through the first 3 innings. This is the problem with stocking these teams. Come on guys, I wanna see some excitement.

-The new AL pitcher, Roy Halladay, strikes out Lance Berkman before Albert Pujols sends a high fly into the right-field corner. It lands just fair along the line, and takes a high bounce. Amazingly, Ichiro manages to corral the ball and throws a strike to second where Jeter tags out the sliding Pujols. Is Ichiro angling for a job in New York? Lord knows he must regret signing that extension with the hemorrhaging Mariners.

-Chipper Jones grounds out, 6-3 to close out what feels like a 3 minute inning.

Bottom of the 4th

-A-Rod stikes out swinging on a heater right through the zone. When Zambrano has his emotions in check, I'll take him over any starter in the game.

-Zambrano sends a curveball WAY over Manny's head, but it seems like an honest mistake and they both laugh it off. That said, if it had been on purpose, it wouldn't surprise me. Carlos Zambrano IS batshit insane, after all.

-McCarver takes exception to a graphic that breaks down a batters average on balls in different parts of the stike-zone. He claims that the graphic, which says Manny is batting .167 on balls down-and-in, is mistaken. Far be it from me to make unqualified statements, but I'm gonna go with Stats, Inc. or whoever did that graphic, because they probably put a lot more time into it than McCarver did his cursory dismissal.

-Manny, meanwhile, grounds out on a ball down and in.

-Milton Bradley reaches on a Hanley Ramirez error, but gets picked off of second during Youkilis' at bat, ending the inning. I'll repeat it: 4 steals on the season to this point. What is he thinking?

Top of the 5th

-Grady Sizemore comes into centerfield, replacing left-fielder Manny Ramirez, with Hamilton moving over to left. Ervin Santana replaces Roy Halladay on the mound.

-Aaaaand gives up a monster home-run to one of Rox' butt buddies, Matt Holliday. Holliday had a tough 8 pitch at bat, and goes the other way to crush one into the upper deck in right field. 1-0, NL.

-Santana bounces back quickly, getting Ryan Braun to ground out to second, making Kosuke Fukudome look downright silly on a low slider, and striking out Geovany Soto on three straight sliders away.

-In between the Fukudome and Soto at bats, Francona replaces A-Rod with Joe Crede. I think he was angling for A-Rod to get a standing ovation, but the New York crowd is non-plussed.

Bottom of the 5th

-Dan Haren gets the call for the NL, and gets Youkilis to fly out on the second pitch.

-Joe Mauer shoots up between the pitchers mound and first, and Haren takes a stab at it, butchering the play. I know Mauer's no Bengie Molina, but he's still a catcher. The second baseman would've made the play.

-Ian Kinsler pinch-runs for Mauer and steal second, while Haren walks Pedroia on 4 straight balls.

-With men on first and second, Haren strikes Ichiro out on 4 fastballs: away, in, away for a ball, and over the middle.

-Now it's Our Lord And Savior Jeter Christ up with 2 outs, and two men on.

-With the count at 1-2 on Jeter, Haren spots a perfect pitch on the outside edge of the strike zone, which is of course, called a ball. Shouldn't Soto and Haren know that Derek Jeter is physically incapable of taking a called third strike at Yankee Stadium during what amounts to a week-long lovefest for The House That Ruth Built?

-Where is your God now, New York? Jeter bounces out weekly to Haren.

Top of the 6th

-Justin Duchscherer comes in for the 6th. In my opinion should make the team every year just so I get to hear big-network announcers say his name.

-There are some wholesale changes in the defense, with a lot of maneuvering for the sake of the batting line-up, so I'll just sum it all up: Ichiro, Youkilis, and Pedroia out and J.D. Drew, Justin Morneau, and Jason Varitek are in. Kinsler, who pinch ran for Mauer last inning replaces Pedroia at second while Varitek gets behind the plate.

-I have to agree with McCarver here, he throws the worst pitch of the game to Hanley Ramirez. A hanging curve so fat it must have looked like a balloon. On the replay, Ramirez' eyes got so huge I'm convinced Reche Caldwell could do no better. Duchscherer is lucky that Ramirez only got a single out of it.

-Utley drops one into right, which Drew fields well, but with Ramirez running it's now 1st and 3rd with no outs.

-Berkman gets a bead on a juicy fastball and sends it out the warning track in the deepest part of the park, good enough for a sac-fly. 2-0 NL.

-Texas shortstop Michael Young comes in for Jeter. Not only is he miles better offensively, but he's a superior offensive player too, and has been for years. Why isn't he revered like the guy he replaced? I'd reckon it has a lot to do with playing in Texas, and not new York.

-Pujols singles up the middle, and I think Duchscherer is showing why he'd been a reliever for a while, leading up to this year.

-He gets the league leader in batting, Chipper Jones to hack at a high fastball, and then gets Matt Holliday, who homered in his last at-bat, to pop out to short right-center.

Bottom of the 6th

-Oh man, there are some wholesale changes in the NL line-up. Han-Ram, Utley, Berkman, Jones, and Holliday come out, Miguel Tejada, Dan Uggla, Adrian Gonzalez, Aramis Ramirez, and Corey Hart go in, respectively.

-Well, at least the NL did it all neat and tidy, swapping out players strictly positionally.

-Hamilton singles to lead off the inning. What's amazing to me about the guy, from a baseball sense, is that he essentially missed 3 years, comes back, plays a couple of games in Single-A ball, and then jumps to the majors where he's been incredible ever since. How does a postion player do that? What scary is, that all indicates he could be getting... better.

-Joe Crede pops out, and with Grady Sizemore batting, Hamilton steals second.

-WOW. Sizemore gets rung up on a called third strike down, but right down the middle. Haren is something else.

-All it takes is one pitch to get Milton Bradley to pop out to center.

Top of the 7th

-Francona finally turns to the AL's crazy stable of closers, bring the Twins' Joe Nathan in. In other news, Chicago White Sox Carlos Quentin comes in for Hamilton in left.

-I'm surprised to see Quentin playing as well as he as. After one decent year and one bad year, both in part-time play in the comparatively weaker NL, he comes over to the AL and blows up the league at age 26. Good for the White Sox though, they need SOMETHING to go their way.

-Nathan gets three quick outs, striking out Braun on threee pitches and getting the Pirates' Nate McLouth and the Dodgers Russell Martin to fly out.

-Josh Groban is singing God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch. Two things: A.) Didn't the Josh Groban ship sail a while ago. Unless he has a new album coming out soon, what's the thinking behind this, and B.) isn't Ronan Tynan kind of a Yankee Stadium institution? With the glorification of all things Yankee, why isn't he singing?

Bottom of the 7th

-Oh, apparently Groban released a live album this year. Whatever. It's probably just a Christian artist to please Rupert Murdoch.

-Reds rookie phenom Edinson Volquez comes in for Haren, and Buck and McCarver onto an interesting tangent. Apparently, thanks to the success of Pedro Martinez, the most recent generation of pitchers coming out of the Carribean Islands feature a lot more high quality change-ups, largely because it's easier on your arm, which was key for the 5-10 Martinez, who still managed to throw 98.

-Ryan Ludwick comes into left field for Ryan Braun, for the three of you who care (Ludwick and his mom).

-Morneau drives the ball into the gap in right center, and the ball gets behind Corey Hart.

-After that double, Ian Kinsler of the Rangers is up. He leads the league in hits, and the AL in average. He grounds out to short, but it moves Morneau up to third.

-Rays catcher Dioner Navarro strikes out on a fastball middle in. Stupid sucky Tampa Bay. That was right in your wheelhouse. No wonder you're due for an epic second-half collapse.

-In his first ever All-Star at-bat, J.D. Drew gets ahold of a fastball that slides over the middle and sends a line drive over the wall in right for a two-run homer. 2-2, all.

-Drew's swing is so pretty. I just can't help it. I know it's why people have been falling in love with him for more than 2 decades, but I can't resist. It's too perfect.

-As my guy-love for J.D. "Don't call me Nancy" Drew grows, Michael Young strikes out to end the inning.

Top of the 8th

-Papelbon is in for Nathan. and Miguel Tejada promptly bloops one to right.

-That's the furthest I've ever seen a ball go, and still called it a blooper.

-The New York media apparently flipped out because Papelbon jokingly said that he should be closing out the game, over Mariano Rivera. Mind you, in the same interview he called Mo the "Godfather of all relievers."

-With the crowd chanting "MA-RI-A-NO" and "O-VER-RA-TED," Papelbon pumps up the heat and positively blows Dan Uggla away.

-Ugh, stupid sucky Tampa Bay. With Padres first-baseman Adrian Gonzalez batting, Tejada attempts to steal second, and catcher Dioner Navarro throws the ball into left field. Tejada scoots to third, and Gonzo obliges by drives him in on a sac-fly. 3-2, NL.

-David Wright, pinch-hitting for Albert Pujols strikes out on a ridiculous change-up, but the New York crowd still gets to let Papelbon have it.

Bottom of the 8th

-Giants closer Brian Wilson comes in for Volquez, and gets Quentin to fly out to center, and Francona brings in Carlos Guillen of the Tigers for Joe Crede.

-Buck says that Francona was hoping to save Carlos Guillen in case the game went into extra innings, because he can play pretty much every position. He may leave his pitchers in way too long, but Francona is still a top notch manager.

-It might be a bit late, but if I was going to Berman-ize Miguel Tejada's name, it would be Miguel "Tejada I hit it, tefurder it goes." Sound it out, it's funny.

-Brian "Wouldn't it be nice?" Wilson strikes Guillen out, and for some reason Fox rolls the Lou Gehrig "luckiest man alive" speech. I'm not complaing, it's a tragic, but inspiring and heartfelt moment, but couldn't they come up with a better way to frame it?

-Clint Hurdle comes to the mound, and brings in Mets lefty closer Billy Wagner in for Wilson to face lefty Grady Sizemore.

-I've been writing for 3 hours and 17 minutes at this point, and somehow, Fox still hasn't driven me insane yet.

-AS I WRITE THAT, Fox cuts back to Wagner's first pitch in midflight, with no transition. Come on guys, get your act together.

-Sizemore hits a hard ground-ball single to right, and Francona pinch hits Rays rookie 3rd baseman Evan Longoria for Milton Bradley.

-Sizemore steals second, and it immediately pays dividends as Longoria hits a ball to left that bounces up into the seats for a ground rule double. 3-3, all.

-Morneau grounds out to Wagner to set the AL up for a dramatic bottom of the 9th.

-Interesting note, this robs Rivera of the chance to close it all out. If the AL takes the lead at any point, they win. The best they could do is try to get him the win.

Top of the 9th

-Francona brings in Francisco Rodriguez for the ninth. The Yankees fans must be twitching, afraid that they won't get to see their precious Rivera.

-Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez takes a leadoff walk, and is replaced by token National Christian Guzman on the basepaths.

-After getting Corey Hart to fly out to right, Francona comes to the mound, bringing in Mariano Rivera.

-Of all the current Yankees, I probably have the most respect for Mo. He's, in my mind, the greatest closer to have ever lived. He throws one pitch, and throws it right. He single-handedly popularized the cutter, and on top of it all, he's a great human being.

-So, with a man on first and one out, Rivera goes to work against Ryan Ludwick. Ludwick is a 30 year old guy who bounced around Texas, Cleveland, and the minors, struggling with injuries till he got a chance to play almost full-time last year with St. Louis. He did alright, but he's been a revelation this year.

-This is bonkers. Rivera and Varitek combine for a picture perfect strike-em-out, throw-em-out double play. I never imagined that pairing before. The game goes into the bottom of the 9th with a chance for Rivera to pick up the win.

Bottom of the 9th

-Depending how they win this, I bet they give Mo the MVP. If Longoria is involved, he'd probably win it, due to his driving in the tying run as well, but there's not a lot of other options. If Drew's involved in the winning run, he could grab it, but the entire starting pitching staff on both sides deserves the award, today.

-Ryan Dempster starts the inning off for the NL, with Ian Kinsler batting.

-Dempster just makes Kinsler look foolish. He threw a tight breaking ball low, and Kinsler went for it, but tried to check his swing about 3 seconds too late.

-Dioner Navarro, official AL goat of the game, strikes out, bringing up J.D. Drew.

-Seriously, I have that "Big Papi feeling." The feeling Red Sox fans used to have whenever David Ortiz was up in any sort of "clutch" situation.

-Dempster pitches around Drew for a bit, getting to 3-1, before sneaking a change-up over the middle to bring the count full.

-Drew promptly strikes out. Guess that feeling was indigestion

-To be honest, it wasn't that same feeling. It's been so long since I felt it, but if it had been the real thing I wouldn't have been able to type. I would have been too transfixed.

Top of the 10th

-During the ad-break, I'm guessing Francona keeps Rivera in to give him a chance at the win.

-He does, and Fox flashes a graphic showing that in the 10 extra-inning All-Star games, the NL has a 9-0-1 record, the tie coming when Bud Selig called the game in '02, due to both sides running out of players.

-Nate McLouth works the count full on Mo, before taking a cutter right down the middle for a strikeout after an 8 pitch at bat. Then, Russell Martin works an 8-pitch at-bat into a single to right.

-Miguel Tejada sends a hard grounder up the middle that takes a bad bounce on Michael Young.

-Clint Hurdle apparently had a hit-and-run on, so Martin ends up on third.

-Just when you forget who he is, Mariano Rivera reminds you. Dan Uggla hits into a close 4-6-3 double play, and the game goes to the bottom of the 10th, with a Yankee eligible for the win.

Bottom of the 10th

-Going on 4 hours of writing, and I'm still feeling strong, although I'm sure I've gotten dreadfully repetitive at this point.

-Rockies starter Aaron Cook comes in for Ryan Dempster. If I recall, he throws a pretty good sinker.

-The NL goat of the game has emerged. Fresh off that rally-killing double play, Dan Uggla lets an easy two-hopper bounce of his glove, allowing Michael Young to reach.

-Man alive, he's a monster! Uggla goes for the gold and does his best Bill Buckner impression, and lets an easy grounder from Carlos Quentin go under his glove, and through the 5-hole. Two men on, no outs.

-Uggla's defensive meltdown is fast approaching Kwame Brown-like levels.

-After a coaching visit to the mound, Hurdle has Cook intentionally walk Carlos Guillen to load the bases.

-I know Hurdle saw Troy Tulowitski pull off an unasisted triple-play, but he shouldn't bank on it here.

-I kid, I kid, I know all about setting up the force.

-Grady Sizemore hits a bouncer to Uggla at second, allowing the NL to get the force-out at home. 1 out, bases still loaded.

-Wow, Cook really has that sinker working, he gets Evan Longoria to ground to third baseman Christian Guzman, who gets yet another out at home.

-That could be the play of the game there. Tejada goes way to his right, and in one motion, dives for the ball, and throws it to first in one fluid motion, all while his body was a 45 degree angle. The NL just out of a bases-loaded, no outs jam. This is their game to win.

Top of the 11th

-Rox just called me to talk about Tejada's last play. Apparently he's been reading Deadspins live-blog of the game. Freaking traitor.

-Royals closer Joakim Soria comes in and almost before I can recognize him, Adrian Gonzalez shoots a single into center.

-Soria comes back and and strikes out David Wright on a fastball that he just misses, his body looking like it would corkscrew itself into the ground.

-Soria gets Guzman and Hart to fly out without much effort to send the game to the bottom of the eleventh.

-Throughout the inning,Buck and McCarver go on a rant about how badly the Ray don't want Francona to use their ace, Scott Kazmir in the game. No sooner do they finish siding with the Rays then they start bitching about how the teams are running out of pitchers and how Bud Seling will probably call the game a tie.

Bottom of the 11th

-With Cook still pitching, Ian Kinsler singles to center to lead off the inning, and shitty player of baseball Dioner Navarro steps to the plate.

-After taking a ball on an attempted bunt, and fouling off the next pitch, Ian Kinsler takes a ludicrous lead off of 1st, and the next pitch is of course, a pitch-out.

-At first it looks like Kinsler is out, but he ran to the back of the bag, and and replay shows that it looks like the ump got fooled by a phantom tag. A tough call to be sure, but it was wrong none the less.

-Big stupid Dioner Navarro works a walk, and J.D. Drew follows it up with a single to center, bringing up Michael Young with men on first and second and one out.

-During Drew's at-bat, Fox shows Arizona ace Brandon Webb getting his equipment together and heading to the bullpen. Buck says he was in the same position as Kazmir, on the active roster but under a do-not-use adviosry.

-Michael Young drives a single up the middle, and Nate McLouth comes up firing, and gets Dioner Navarro at home plate.

-I really think Dioner Navarro just doesn't want the AL to get home-field advantage for the World Series. I mean, if I played in the Tropicana Dome, I'd do whatever I could to avoid the place too, but this is taking it too far.

-Carlos Quentin grounds out to third uneventfully, and the game goes to the twelfth.

Top of the 12th

-Joakim Soria is back on, and he walks Ryan Ludwick on 5 pitches to get things started.

-Buck mentions it, and it's true. This game was FLYING until about the 6th inning, and now it's going on 4 hours.

-Nate McLouth is playing like a man possessed. He lays down a perfect bunt, and manages to beat it out when Morneau can't get it to Kinsler fast enough.

-Russell Martin lays down a bad bunt, but as it goes foul, Morneau grabs it and goes to first for the out. I don't know if he knew it was going foul, or if it was all instinct, but it's second and third with one out.

-Francona has Soria walk Tejada to load the bases, bringing Dan Uggla up to the plate.

-Soria gets Uggla swinging on a wicked 67 mph curveball, and Francona goes to the bullpen with two outs for the Orioles lefty closer, George Sherill, with lefty Adrian Gonzalez at the plate.

-Sherill puts Gonzalez down on a fastball low and away. I know Sherill got his start as a LOOGY, and it's nice to see he can still buckle down on a killer lefty.

Bottom of the 12th

-And just as Fox cuts back to the game, Guillen drives one to deep, deep left, that bounces off of those stupid plastic walls. He cruises into second with a lead-off double.

-Cook is STILL out there, and obviously taking one for the team (division?). He's a durable guy anyway.

-Grady Sizemore grounds the ball to Dan Uggla who juggles it around before just getting the runner at first. Guillen moves to second.

-Seriously, did anyone alse see Kwame Browns on court meltdown just before the Pau Gasol trad? That what it feels like with Uggla.

-Evan Longoria grounds one to third, and Guzman fires home to catcher Russell Martin as Guillen charges home... but it's a foul ball, barely.

-Then, he swings and misses for the second out.

-They intentionally walk Justin Morneau to bring up the AL hits leader Ian Kinsler, who is 1-3 today.

-That makes no sense to me, Morneau was 1-3 as well, so maybe they were going for the force at second but I see two errors with that. A.) They gave him second on defensive indifference anyway, and B.) Dan Uggla is out there somewhere, lurking, waiting.

-Kinsler grounds out weakly, 5-3, taking us to lucky inning thirteen.

Top of the 13th

-Sherill is still on, and looks like he's throwing serious gas, but David Wright gets on on a freak broken-bat flyball to right-center.

-Christian Guzman grounds into a fielders choice and gets Wright, who is a good runner, at second.

-After Sherill, Kazmir is the last guy left for the AL. Problem is, Kazmir is Francona's division rival who just threw 104 pitches in a game on Sunday. After all the polite disagreements with the
Rays this year, how do you think they'll feel if we pitch their fragile ace into the ground in an exhibition game?

-Although Corey Hart struck out, he made a new fan in me by having the intro to Purple Haze as his at-bat music. I've always said that it would strike fear into the heart of a pitcher. I figure it didn't work because George Sherill, like Jimi Hendrix, is left-handed.

-Back-up feel-good story Ryan Ludwick pops out to second, and I've got to risk Foxes quick cut-backs and take a bathroom break. I've been sipping an Arizona Iced Tea for hours now, and I need to sleep on this couch, so I'd rather keep it clean.

Bottom of the 13th

-I'm one minute away from the 5 hour mark. This hurts.

-Cubs set-up man Carlos Marmol gets the superlatively despised Dioner Navarro to bounce out to Dan Uggla, who somehow makes the grounder look slightly simpler than rocket surgery.

-Yes, I know I just mixed together "rocket science" and "brain surgery." Forgive me, it's been 5,947 words.

-Uggla botches another groundout to second, allowing J.D. Drew to reach base and sending Rox into a homidal rage of profanity towards Dan Ugglas heritage and sexual habits.

-Michael Young strikes out, and with Drew running on the pitch, Russell Martin barely misses throwing J.D. out at second.

-Carlos Marmol breaks off a nasty curveball, and Carlos Quentin foul tips it into Martins glove for the third out of the inning, stranding the winning run on second. Quentin then breaks off an F-Bomb so loud that the Fox cameras, which have been other free of on-field chatter, picks it up.

Top of the 14th

-Sherill stays on. Fox says Kazmir will be on a very strict pitch count, so Sherill must be sucking it up and getting his team (divison?) as far as he can.

-Nate McLouth and Russell Martin both send scary deep flies to J.D. Drew in right field, and George Sherill has just pitched his longest outing of the season, in a semi-meaningful exhibition. Well, it means nothing for his team, since I'll score with Elisha Cuthbert, Kiera Knightly, and Beyonce Knowles before the Orioles win a pennent.

-Miguel Tejada ground out to his counterpart, Michael Young, at short, and this game is going into the bottom of the fourteenth.

Bottom of the 14th

-After the second 7th inning stretch, Diamondbacks ace Brandon Webb is on for the NL.

-Webb's best pitch is a sinker. Somewhere, Dan Uggla smiles.

-Joe Buck reminds us that the longest All-Star game was in 1967. Tony Perez hit a homer off of Rollie Fingers to give the NL a 2-1 win in the 15th. Scarily enough, both those guys where here today, or at least there were 5 hours ago.

-The Fox cameras pan across NL/Phillies closer, Brad Lidge who Buck aptly and hilariously christens "Mr. Lonely."

-Oh yeah, in the time it took me to type all that, Webb gets Guillen to line out to short, and strikes out Grady Sizemore and Evan Longoria. The guy hasn't won 13 games by being a total stiff.

Top of the 15th

-I had to put my bathroom break off for two innings, but I got it in.

-Kazmir strikes out Uggla, who's a cosmic punchline at this point, on 4 straight fastballs.

-Buck pays tribute to Francona's integrity, reiterating how Terry won't overextend Kazmir in an exhibition.

-Kazmir works the lefty-on-lefty matchup and gets Adrian Gonzalez to fly out to left fielder Carlos Quentin, but follows in up with a 4-pitch walk to David Wright.

-Guzman shoots a hard grounder to first, and we got to the bottom of the fifteenth.

Bottom of the 15th

-This is now officially the longest game in All-Star history. Congratulations, assholes.

-NL manager Clint Hurdle finally bites and brings on Mr. Lonely, Phillies closer Brad Lidge, who gives up a lead-off single to Justin Morneau.

-And he gives up what could easily be another single to Ian Kinsler, but Ryan Ludwick comes on strong to rob the Texas second baseman.

-Fox catches Kevin Youkilis downing a Red Bull in the dugout. Why is he so tired, he was taken out of the game 9 innings ago?

-Universal dickwad Dioner Navarro finally does something right and singles to right, bringing up J.D. Drew with men on first and second with 1 out.

-Drew gets on base for the 4th time tonight by taking a ball in the dirt with a full count, giving Michael Young a chance with the bases loaded and one out.

-AND HE FLIES TO RIGHT ON THE FIRST PITCH!!! JUSTIN MORNEAU LUMBERS HOME, JUST BEATING THE THROW, AND THIS HELLISH GAME IS OVER. THE AMERICAN LEAGUE WINS, 4-3.

Postgame

-Wow, Terry Francona, the AL, and MLB as a whole, dodge the bullet of having to call the game when Kazmir's pitchcount was up.

-At this point, I don't have much to say. What else is there? If it hasn't come up over the course of almost 6 hours, almost a quarter of a day, is it really that important.

-They hand the MVP to J.D. Drew. Blah, blah, blah, missives on handing the Ted Williams Award to a sweet swinging slugger on the Red Sox.

-I'd been sitting at his computer for exactly 5 hours and 40 minutes when the game ended. My entire live-blog came out to be words long 6,734 words long.

And that's all there is. I'm out. I might be back soon, but after this, don't be surprised if I take some time off.

-Sox